by Yaseen | Mar 31, 2025 | Mental Health, Narcissistic Abuse
When a narcissist hoovers (tries to suck you back in) or acts irrationally after you’ve gone no contact, their behavior is driven by a toxic cocktail of ego injury, panic, and psychological addiction to control. Here’s what’s really happening inside them:
1. Narcissistic Injury (Ego Collapse)
- Their greatest fear: Being irrelevant.
- No contact = ultimate rejection, which shatters their illusion of superiority.
- Their reaction isn’t about missing you—it’s about their ego screaming:
“How DARE you prove I’m not needed?!”
2. Supply Withdrawal (Like a Drug Addict in Crisis)
- Narcissists feed off your attention—even negative reactions (anger, sadness) are “supply” to them.
- No contact = cold turkey withdrawal. Their psyche goes into panic mode, scrambling to:
- Regain control (hoovering with fake apologies, guilt trips, or rage).
- Provoke any reaction (even anger = proof they still “matter”).
3. The “Empty Shell” Effect
- Without someone to mirror, manipulate, or dominate, they feel hollow.
- Their irrational behavior (stalking, love-bombing, smear campaigns) is a desperate attempt to fill their inner void—like a puppet master whose puppets walked away.
4. Fragile Reality Testing
- Narcissists rewrite history to protect their ego.
- Your silence forces them to face two unbearable truths:
- They lost control.
- You’re happier without them.
- This triggers psychotic-level denial (hence irrational actions: showing up unannounced, creating drama out of nowhere).
5. Hidden Shame & Abandonment Rage
- Beneath the surface, they secretly feel worthless—and your rejection confirms it.
- Their rage/hoovering is a tantrum (like a child screaming when a toy is taken away).
- Key insight: The more extreme their reaction, the more power you’ve reclaimed.
What They Want You to Feel:
- Guilty (“You’re hurting them”)
- Afraid (“They’ll never let you go”)
- Responsible (“Maybe I overreacted”)
What They Fear Most:
- Your indifference.
- The moment you stop caring—even enough to hate them—they lose all power.
How to Stay Free:
- Block everywhere. No contact = no oxygen for their drama.
- Document threats. Save evidence (screenshots, voicemails) for legal protection.
- Affirm your strength:
“Their chaos is proof I escaped. A healthy person doesn’t act this way.”
Their irrationality isn’t about you—it’s the death throes of their control. Keep walking. 💪
by Yaseen | Mar 31, 2025 | Mental Health, Narcissistic Abuse
Toxic Shame: The Truth That Sets You Free
Toxic shame isn’t yours. It’s not a reflection of who you are—it’s a psychological poison that was forced into you by someone who couldn’t face their own brokenness. Here’s how to see it clearly, so it stops feeling personal:
1. What Toxic Shame Really Is
- A Narcissist’s Emotional Dumping Ground
Narcissists cannot tolerate their own shame (their deep belief they’re defective), so they project it onto you—like handing you a backpack full of rocks and saying, “Carry this for me.”
- Brainwashing, Not Truth
Toxic shame comes from repeated lies (e.g., “You’re worthless,” “You ruin everything”). But here’s the catch:- If you were truly “bad,” they wouldn’t have stayed.
- They needed you to feel this way—because if you believed you were unlovable, you’d never leave.
2. How to Know It’s Not Yours
Ask yourself:
✅ “Did I feel this shame before they told me I should?” (Usually, no.)
✅ “Do kind, healthy people make me feel this way?” (No—because they don’t need you to feel small.)
✅ “Does this shame benefit THEM by keeping me under their control?” (Bingo.)
Toxic shame is a tool they used to silence you.
3. How to Detach From It
Step 1: Name the Lie
- “This shame is not mine—it’s the voice of someone who hurt me.”
- “I was taught to feel this way to serve their ego.”
Step 2: Replace It With Your Truth
- “I am not defective. I was told I was defective by someone who couldn’t face themselves.”
- “Shame that crushes instead of teaching is abuse, not wisdom.”
Step 3: Let the Child in You Speak
Imagine your younger self hearing those shame messages. What would you tell them?
- “You didn’t deserve this. You were good, and they lied to you.”
4. The Narcissist’s Secret (Why This Works)
They needed you to hold their shame because they couldn’t. Every time you release it, you:
- Break their spell (their false sense of superiority relied on your suffering).
- Reclaim your soul (shame’s job was to make you forget who you really are).
5. Your Freedom Mantra
“This shame was never mine to carry.
I put it down now.
I return it to the person who handed it to me.
My worth was here before them,
and it remains after them.”
Remember: Healthy shame says, “I made a mistake.” Toxic shame says, “I AM a mistake.” The first is human. The second is always a lie planted in you.
You are not the shadow they tried to bury you under. Walk into the light. 🌟
by Yaseen | Jan 20, 2024 | Mental Health, Narcissistic Abuse
It’s important to note that understanding the motivations of an individual, especially in complex psychological situations like dealing with a narcissist, can be challenging. Narcissistic individuals often exhibit harmful behaviors due to their personality traits, which can include a lack of empathy, a need for constant admiration, and a tendency to exploit others for their own gain.
Narcissists may engage in hurtful actions for various reasons, including:
- Need for Control: Narcissists often crave control and may resort to hurting others as a means of asserting dominance and maintaining power in relationships.
- Lack of Empathy: Narcissists may struggle to understand or care about the emotions of others. This lack of empathy can lead to actions that cause emotional or psychological harm without the narcissist fully recognizing or comprehending the impact.
- Insecurity: Paradoxically, narcissistic individuals can harbor deep-seated insecurities beneath their grandiose exterior. Hurting others may serve as a defense mechanism to deflect attention from their own vulnerabilities.
- Manipulation and Gaslighting: Narcissists may engage in manipulative tactics and gaslighting to control and undermine others. This can involve distorting facts, creating confusion, and making the victim doubt their own perceptions.
- Projection: Narcissists may project their own insecurities or negative feelings onto others. This projection can manifest as criticism, blame, or attempts to belittle those around them.
It’s crucial to prioritize your well-being when dealing with a narcissistic individual. Establishing boundaries, seeking support from friends or professionals, and, if necessary, considering distancing yourself from the person are essential steps. Understanding that their behavior is a reflection of their own issues, rather than a result of something you’ve done, can be empowering in navigating such challenging relationships. If you find yourself struggling, consider seeking guidance from a mental health professional who can provide support and coping strategies tailored to your situation.
