by Yaseen | Mar 31, 2025 | Mental Health, Narcissistic Abuse
When a narcissist hoovers (tries to suck you back in) or acts irrationally after you’ve gone no contact, their behavior is driven by a toxic cocktail of ego injury, panic, and psychological addiction to control. Here’s what’s really happening inside them:
1. Narcissistic Injury (Ego Collapse)
- Their greatest fear: Being irrelevant.
- No contact = ultimate rejection, which shatters their illusion of superiority.
- Their reaction isn’t about missing you—it’s about their ego screaming:
“How DARE you prove I’m not needed?!”
2. Supply Withdrawal (Like a Drug Addict in Crisis)
- Narcissists feed off your attention—even negative reactions (anger, sadness) are “supply” to them.
- No contact = cold turkey withdrawal. Their psyche goes into panic mode, scrambling to:
- Regain control (hoovering with fake apologies, guilt trips, or rage).
- Provoke any reaction (even anger = proof they still “matter”).
3. The “Empty Shell” Effect
- Without someone to mirror, manipulate, or dominate, they feel hollow.
- Their irrational behavior (stalking, love-bombing, smear campaigns) is a desperate attempt to fill their inner void—like a puppet master whose puppets walked away.
4. Fragile Reality Testing
- Narcissists rewrite history to protect their ego.
- Your silence forces them to face two unbearable truths:
- They lost control.
- You’re happier without them.
- This triggers psychotic-level denial (hence irrational actions: showing up unannounced, creating drama out of nowhere).
5. Hidden Shame & Abandonment Rage
- Beneath the surface, they secretly feel worthless—and your rejection confirms it.
- Their rage/hoovering is a tantrum (like a child screaming when a toy is taken away).
- Key insight: The more extreme their reaction, the more power you’ve reclaimed.
What They Want You to Feel:
- Guilty (“You’re hurting them”)
- Afraid (“They’ll never let you go”)
- Responsible (“Maybe I overreacted”)
What They Fear Most:
- Your indifference.
- The moment you stop caring—even enough to hate them—they lose all power.
How to Stay Free:
- Block everywhere. No contact = no oxygen for their drama.
- Document threats. Save evidence (screenshots, voicemails) for legal protection.
- Affirm your strength:
“Their chaos is proof I escaped. A healthy person doesn’t act this way.”
Their irrationality isn’t about you—it’s the death throes of their control. Keep walking. 💪
by Yaseen | Mar 31, 2025 | Mental Health, Narcissistic Abuse
Toxic Shame: The Truth That Sets You Free
Toxic shame isn’t yours. It’s not a reflection of who you are—it’s a psychological poison that was forced into you by someone who couldn’t face their own brokenness. Here’s how to see it clearly, so it stops feeling personal:
1. What Toxic Shame Really Is
- A Narcissist’s Emotional Dumping Ground
Narcissists cannot tolerate their own shame (their deep belief they’re defective), so they project it onto you—like handing you a backpack full of rocks and saying, “Carry this for me.”
- Brainwashing, Not Truth
Toxic shame comes from repeated lies (e.g., “You’re worthless,” “You ruin everything”). But here’s the catch:- If you were truly “bad,” they wouldn’t have stayed.
- They needed you to feel this way—because if you believed you were unlovable, you’d never leave.
2. How to Know It’s Not Yours
Ask yourself:
✅ “Did I feel this shame before they told me I should?” (Usually, no.)
✅ “Do kind, healthy people make me feel this way?” (No—because they don’t need you to feel small.)
✅ “Does this shame benefit THEM by keeping me under their control?” (Bingo.)
Toxic shame is a tool they used to silence you.
3. How to Detach From It
Step 1: Name the Lie
- “This shame is not mine—it’s the voice of someone who hurt me.”
- “I was taught to feel this way to serve their ego.”
Step 2: Replace It With Your Truth
- “I am not defective. I was told I was defective by someone who couldn’t face themselves.”
- “Shame that crushes instead of teaching is abuse, not wisdom.”
Step 3: Let the Child in You Speak
Imagine your younger self hearing those shame messages. What would you tell them?
- “You didn’t deserve this. You were good, and they lied to you.”
4. The Narcissist’s Secret (Why This Works)
They needed you to hold their shame because they couldn’t. Every time you release it, you:
- Break their spell (their false sense of superiority relied on your suffering).
- Reclaim your soul (shame’s job was to make you forget who you really are).
5. Your Freedom Mantra
“This shame was never mine to carry.
I put it down now.
I return it to the person who handed it to me.
My worth was here before them,
and it remains after them.”
Remember: Healthy shame says, “I made a mistake.” Toxic shame says, “I AM a mistake.” The first is human. The second is always a lie planted in you.
You are not the shadow they tried to bury you under. Walk into the light. 🌟
by Yaseen | Mar 24, 2025 | Mental Health, Narcissistic Abuse
- It Maintains the Narcissist’s False Superiority
The narcissist thrives on feeling superior. By convincing you (and others) that you’re a “loser,” they reinforce their own inflated self-image. It’s a way to mask their deep-seated insecurity and inadequacy.
- It Keeps You Under Control
If you believe you’re a “loser,” you’re less likely to challenge them, set boundaries, or walk away. This gives them power over you and ensures you stay in their orbit.
- It Distracts From Their Own Flaws
Narcissists are masters of deflection. By focusing on your perceived failures, they divert attention away from their own shortcomings and toxic behavior.
- It Strengthens the Flying Monkeys’ Loyalty
Flying monkeys often side with the narcissist out of fear, manipulation, or a desire for approval. By perpetuating the narrative that you’re a “loser,” they align themselves with the narcissist’s agenda and avoid becoming targets themselves.
- It Reinforces the Toxic System
The narcissist’s entire dynamic relies on maintaining a hierarchy where they’re on top and others are beneath them. Labeling you as a “loser” cements this hierarchy and keeps the system functioning.
But here’s the truth: their investment in tearing you down is a reflection of their dysfunction, not your worth. You are not a “loser”—you’re a target of their manipulation.
Reject their narrative. Your value is not defined by their lies.
by Yaseen | Mar 23, 2025 | Mental Health, Narcissistic Abuse
- They’re Terrified of Their Own Worthlessness
Narcissists carry a crushing sense of inadequacy deep inside. By labeling you as “worthless” or a “loser,” they’re projecting their own feelings of shame and self-loathing onto you. It’s a way to distance themselves from their own pain.
- They’re Desperate for Control
Sadistic abuse is a power play. By breaking you down, they feel a temporary sense of control and superiority. It’s their twisted way of compensating for their own feelings of helplessness and insecurity.
- They’re Fueled by Envy
Your strengths, your resilience, your ability to feel and connect—these are things they lack. Their cruelty is often rooted in envy. By destroying your self-esteem, they try to level the playing field in their mind.
- They’re Addicted to the High of Dominance
Narcissists get a perverse thrill from seeing others suffer. It gives them a fleeting sense of power and validation. But it’s a hollow victory—it only deepens their own emptiness.
At their core, narcissists are emotionally stunted, deeply wounded individuals. Their cruelty is a mask for their own fragility.
But here’s the truth: their words and actions are a reflection of their brokenness, not your worth. You are not what they say you are.
Rise above their toxicity. Their abuse is their burden to carry, not yours.
by Yaseen | Mar 9, 2025 | Mental Health, Narcissistic Abuse
Here are some possible reasons why verbally abusing yourself might feel soothing:
Internalized Shame and Self-Blame
- Narcissistic abuse: Years of narcissistic abuse can lead to internalized shame and self-blame. You may have absorbed the abuser’s negative messages, making you believe you’re worthless, stupid, or unlovable.
- Self-blame as a coping mechanism: Verbal self-abuse can be a way to cope with feelings of powerlessness, anxiety, or depression. By blaming yourself, you may feel like you’re regaining control over your life.
Neurobiological Factors
- Stress response: Verbal self-abuse can activate the brain’s stress response, releasing stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. This can create a sense of temporary relief or numbness.
- Dopamine release: Self-criticism can sometimes trigger a dopamine release, which can feel pleasurable or soothing. This can create a self-reinforcing cycle of negative self-talk.
Learned Behavior
- Modeling behavior: You may have learned this behavior from the narcissistic abuser, who consistently criticized and belittled you.
- Self-parenting: Verbal self-abuse can be a way to reenact the abusive relationship, with yourself taking on the role of both the abuser and the victim.
Breaking the Cycle
- Self-compassion: Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness, understanding, and patience. Acknowledge that you’re doing the best you can.
- Reframe negative self-talk: Challenge negative self-talk by reframing critical thoughts into more balanced and realistic ones.
- Seek professional help: Consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma, CPTSD, and narcissistic abuse. They can help you develop coping strategies and work through underlying issues.
- Support groups: Join online support groups or forums for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Sharing your experiences and connecting with others who understand can be incredibly helpful.
Remember, you are not alone, and you deserve compassion, kindness, and understanding.
by Yaseen | Mar 8, 2025 | Mental Health, Narcissistic Abuse
True evil, in the context of narcissism, can be understood as the deliberate and calculated harm inflicted by a narcissist on others, often driven by their lack of empathy, manipulative tendencies, and self-serving nature. Here are some key aspects that define this behavior:
- Intentional Manipulation
Narcissists often use manipulation to control, exploit, or harm others for their own gain. This can include gaslighting, lying, or playing mind games to undermine someone’s confidence or reality.
- Lack of Remorse
A narcissist rarely feels genuine remorse for their actions, even when they cause significant pain or damage to others. They may justify their behavior or blame the victim instead.
- Exploitation
They exploit others emotionally, financially, or socially, viewing people as tools to serve their needs rather than as individuals with inherent worth.
- Destruction of Relationships
Narcissists often sabotage relationships—romantic, familial, or friendships—by creating conflict, spreading lies, or fostering mistrust among people.
- Emotional Abuse
They engage in behaviors like belittling, demeaning, or invalidating others to assert dominance and erode their self-esteem.
- Sadistic Tendencies
Some narcissists derive pleasure from others’ suffering, whether through overt cruelty or subtle forms of control and humiliation.
- Dehumanization
They view others as objects or extensions of themselves, lacking genuine regard for their autonomy, feelings, or well-being.
- Smear Campaigns
Narcissists may launch smear campaigns to destroy someone’s reputation, isolating them from support systems and causing long-term harm.
- Exploitation of Vulnerabilities
They target and exploit others’ weaknesses, whether emotional, financial, or psychological, to maintain power and control.
- Persistent Harm
Unlike occasional selfishness or mistakes, narcissistic evil is characterized by a consistent pattern of harmful behavior without accountability or change.
True evil in a narcissist lies in their ability to cause profound harm while remaining indifferent to the pain they inflict. Their actions are often rooted in a deep-seated need for control, validation, and superiority, making them capable of significant destruction in relationships and communities. Recognizing these traits is crucial for protecting yourself and setting boundaries.
