Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a complex mental health condition that affects millions of people worldwide. While it may be easy to spot the outward signs of narcissism, understanding the internal struggles and challenges faced by individuals with NPD is not always so clear. This blog aims to shed light on the invisible struggle of those with NPD, exploring the causes, symptoms, and treatment options available. By increasing our understanding and empathy towards individuals with NPD, we can help foster a more compassionate and supportive environment for those affected by this often misunderstood disorder.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy towards others. People with NPD have an exaggerated sense of their own abilities and achievements and often believe they are superior to others. This grandiose self-image is often accompanied by fantasies of unlimited success, power, and beauty.
Individuals with NPD have an excessive need for attention and validation from others. They seek constant praise and admiration and are often preoccupied with fantasies of fame, success, or extravagant achievements. They may exploit others to fulfill their own desires and have a sense of entitlement that leads them to believe they deserve special treatment and privileges.
One of the defining characteristics of NPD is a lack of empathy. People with NPD have difficulty recognizing or understanding the feelings and needs of others. They may disregard the feelings and boundaries of those around them, using and manipulating others to meet their own needs. This lack of empathy can lead to challenges in maintaining healthy relationships and can contribute to a cycle of exploitation and emotional abuse.
It is important to note that while many people may exhibit narcissistic traits from time to time, a diagnosis of NPD requires a consistent pattern of behaviors that significantly impairs a person’s functioning and relationships. NPD is a complex and often misunderstood disorder that can have a profound impact on the lives of those affected.
In the next section, we will explore the causes and risk factors associated with NPD, shedding further light on the complex nature of this disorder. Understanding the underlying factors that contribute to the development of NPD can help foster greater empathy and compassion towards individuals who struggle with this condition.
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3. Understanding the invisible struggle of someone with NPD
3. Understanding the Invisible Struggle of Someone with NPD
While the traits and behaviors associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) may be visible on the surface, the internal struggle experienced by individuals with NPD is often hidden from view. Understanding this invisible struggle is crucial in developing empathy and compassion towards those affected by this complex disorder.
1. Emotional Fragility: Behind the facade of superiority and self-importance, individuals with NPD often have fragile self-esteem and are highly sensitive to criticism or rejection. Their grandiose self-image serves as a defense mechanism to protect against feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy. They may constantly seek external validation and admiration to validate their self-worth and mask their deep-rooted insecurities.
2. Fear of Abandonment: The fear of being abandoned or rejected is a common underlying fear among individuals with NPD. This fear often stems from early childhood experiences of neglect, emotional invalidation, or abandonment. As a result, they may engage in manipulative or controlling behaviors to maintain control and ensure that others remain loyal to them.
3. Lack of Authenticity: Individuals with NPD struggle with genuine emotional connection and may have difficulty forming authentic relationships. They often engage in superficial interactions and may present a false version of themselves to others. Their excessive self-focus and inability to empathize with others prevent them from forming deep and meaningful connections, leading to a sense of emotional isolation and loneliness.
4. Internal Dissonance: Despite their outward appearance of confidence and self-assuredness, individuals with NPD may experience internal conflicts and emotional turmoil. Their exaggerated sense of self-importance and feelings of entitlement may clash with the reality of their relationships and achievements. This internal dissonance can lead to feelings of frustration, anger, and disappointment, contributing to their manipulative and controlling behaviors.
5. Impact on Relationships: The invisible struggle of individuals with NPD can have a significant impact on their relationships. Their lack of empathy and emotional insight often result in unhealthy dynamics characterized by manipulation, exploitation, and emotional abuse. Close family members, partners, and friends may bear the brunt of their erratic behavior, experiencing emotional turmoil and confusion as they navigate the complex dynamics of these relationships.
It is crucial to approach individuals with NPD with understanding and empathy while maintaining healthy boundaries. Recognizing the invisible struggle they face can enable us to separate the disorder from the person and foster a more compassionate understanding of their experiences. By promoting awareness and education surrounding NPD, we can contribute to a more empathetic and supportive society for those affected by this challenging disorder.
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4. Common behavior patterns and traits of individuals with NPD
4. Common behavior patterns and traits of individuals with NPD
Understanding the behavior patterns and traits commonly associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) can help us recognize and navigate interactions with individuals affected by this disorder. While each person with NPD may exhibit a unique combination of traits, there are several common patterns to be aware of:
1. Grandiosity and Exaggerated Self-Importance: Individuals with NPD often have an inflated sense of self-importance and believe they are superior to others. They may exaggerate their achievements and talents to gain admiration and validation from others.
2. Lack of Empathy: Empathy is a fundamental aspect of human connection, but individuals with NPD often struggle to understand and appreciate the feelings and experiences of others. They may be unable or unwilling to show empathy, leading to difficulties in forming genuine emotional connections.
3. Preoccupation with Fantasies of Power and Success: NPD is often characterized by a preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, or beauty. These fantasies serve as a coping mechanism to compensate for deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy or insecurity.
4. Need for Constant Attention and Admiration: Individuals with NPD have an insatiable need for attention and admiration. They may seek constant validation and praise from others to maintain their fragile self-esteem. This need for attention often drives their behavior and interactions with others.
5. Exploitative and Manipulative Behavior: Individuals with NPD may engage in manipulative tactics to achieve their desired outcomes. They may exploit the vulnerabilities of others for personal gain or manipulate situations to maintain control and power in relationships.
6. Lack of Boundaries and Respect for Others: Individuals with NPD often struggle with respecting the boundaries and autonomy of others. They may disregard the needs and feelings of others, viewing them as mere extensions of themselves.
7. Difficulty Accepting Criticism: Individuals with NPD tend to have a strong aversion to criticism. They may react defensively or become hostile when faced with feedback that challenges their grandiose self-image.
8. Intense Reactions to Perceived Criticism or Rejection: Due to their fragile self-esteem, individuals with NPD may have intense reactions to any perceived criticism or rejection. They may respond with anger, disdain, or resentment, and may even engage in retaliatory behaviors.
It is important to approach individuals with NPD with caution and set healthy boundaries. Recognizing these common behavior patterns and traits can help us navigate interactions with empathy while protecting our own well-being. By promoting understanding and education about NPD, we can contribute to a more compassionate and supportive environment for individuals affected by this complex disorder.
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5. The impact of NPD on relationships and daily life
5. The impact of NPD on relationships and daily life
Living or interacting with someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) can be incredibly challenging and can have a significant impact on relationships and daily life. It is important to recognize and understand these impacts in order to navigate and cope with the challenges that may arise.
1. Emotional Manipulation: Individuals with NPD often engage in emotional manipulation as a means of controlling and exerting power over others. They may use tactics such as gaslighting, guilt-tripping, or playing the victim to manipulate the emotions and actions of those around them. This can lead to feelings of confusion, self-doubt, and a loss of personal identity in the relationship.
2. Lack of Empathy and Emotional Support: People with NPD often struggle to empathize with the feelings and experiences of others. They may dismiss or invalidate the emotions of their loved ones, leaving them feeling unheard and emotionally unsupported. This can lead to a breakdown in communication and a sense of isolation within the relationship.
3. High Expectations and Demanding Behavior: Individuals with NPD often have extremely high expectations of themselves and those around them. They may place unrealistic demands on their partners, friends, or family members, expecting them to constantly cater to their needs and desires. This can create a sense of pressure and exhaustion for the individuals involved, as they feel they are constantly falling short of these expectations.
4. Cycle of Idealization and Devaluation: A common pattern in relationships with individuals with NPD is a cycle of idealization and devaluation. In the beginning stages of the relationship, the person with NPD may idealize their partner, showering them with attention, love, and compliments. However, over time, they may devalue and criticize the same person, often without a clear reason. This cycle can be extremely confusing and emotionally draining for the individual on the receiving end.
5. Boundary Violations: People with NPD often struggle with respecting the boundaries of others. They may invade personal space, disregard privacy, or manipulate situations to maintain control. This can leave individuals feeling violated and powerless within the relationship.
6. Negative Impact on Self-Esteem: Constant criticism, invalidation, and manipulation can take a toll on the self-esteem of those in a relationship with someone with NPD. The individual may start to question their worth and capabilities, internalizing the negative messages they receive. This can lead to feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, and depression.
Navigating a relationship with someone with NPD can be emotionally exhausting and challenging. It is essential to prioritize self-care, set boundaries, and seek support from friends, family, or therapists. Educating oneself about NPD and seeking professional help can provide individuals with the tools and resources to cope with the impact of NPD on their relationships and daily life.
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6. Strategies for supporting someone with NPD
6. Strategies for supporting someone with NPD
Supporting someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) can be challenging, but there are strategies that can help you navigate this difficult dynamic and maintain your well-being. Here are six strategies for supporting someone with NPD:
1. Educate yourself: Learn as much as you can about NPD to better understand the disorder and its impact on relationships. This knowledge will help you develop empathy and compassion, while also equipping you with strategies for setting boundaries and managing difficult situations.
2. Practice self-care: Taking care of your own emotional and physical well-being is crucial when supporting someone with NPD. Set aside time for activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Prioritize self-care practices such as exercise, therapy, meditation, or spending time with loved ones. Remember that you cannot pour from an empty cup, and taking care of yourself enables you to better support others.
3. Set clear boundaries: Establishing and enforcing boundaries is vital when supporting someone with NPD. Clearly communicate your limits and expectations, and be consistent in enforcing them. It is important to protect your own emotional well-being and prevent yourself from being taken advantage of or manipulated. Remember that setting boundaries is not selfish; it is an act of self-preservation.
4. Practice active listening and empathy: Despite their challenges with empathy, individuals with NPD still have valid emotions and experiences. Practice active listening when they express their thoughts and emotions, and try to understand their perspective. Validating their feelings can help foster a sense of connection and reduce conflict.
5. Encourage therapy and professional help: Suggesting therapy or counseling to someone with NPD can be beneficial for both them and the relationship. Professional help can provide them with tools for self-reflection, emotional regulation, and developing healthier coping mechanisms. However, it is important to recognize that therapy cannot guarantee a change in their behavior, as individuals with NPD often struggle with self-awareness and accepting responsibility for their actions.
6. Seek support for yourself: Supporting someone with NPD can be emotionally draining, and it is essential to seek support for yourself. Lean on friends, family, or support groups who can provide you with a safe space to express your feelings and frustrations. Consider seeking therapy for yourself to navigate the complex emotions and challenges that arise from supporting someone with NPD.
Remember that supporting someone with NPD can be an ongoing process, and it may require patience, understanding, and personal growth. It is important to set realistic expectations and be aware that you cannot change or fix them. Focus on your own well-being and provide support within your own limits.
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7. Seeking professional help for NPD
7. Seeking professional help for NPD
While supporting someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) can be challenging, seeking professional help is an important step in understanding and managing the dynamics of this complex disorder. Professional intervention can provide individuals with NPD the necessary tools to navigate their emotions, behaviors, and relationships. Here are some reasons why seeking professional help is crucial when dealing with NPD:
1. Expert guidance: Mental health professionals, such as therapists or psychologists specializing in personality disorders, have the knowledge and expertise to diagnose and treat NPD. They can provide insight into the underlying causes of the disorder and help individuals identify patterns of behavior that may be detrimental to their relationships.
2. Individual therapy: Individual therapy allows individuals with NPD to explore their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in a safe and confidential setting. Through therapeutic interventions, they can build self-awareness, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and work towards a more balanced self-perception.
3. Group therapy or support groups: Group therapy or support groups can be beneficial for individuals with NPD as they provide opportunities for sharing experiences, gaining different perspectives, and learning from peers who may have had similar struggles. Being in a supportive environment where others understand their challenges can foster a sense of connection and reduce feelings of isolation.
4. Family therapy: NPD often affects not only the individual but also their relationships with family members. Family therapy can help improve communication, establish healthier boundaries, and address any underlying family dynamics that may contribute to the manifestation of NPD symptoms. It provides a space for all parties involved to express their feelings and work towards restoring healthier relationships.
5. Collaborative treatment approach: In some cases, individuals with NPD may also benefit from a collaborative treatment approach involving multiple professionals, such as psychiatrists, therapists, and medical doctors. This approach can address any co-occurring mental health conditions, such as depression or anxiety, and provide a comprehensive treatment plan tailored to the individual’s specific needs.
6. Support for caregivers: Seeking professional help is also crucial for caregivers or loved ones supporting someone with NPD. Mental health professionals can offer guidance, resources, and coping strategies to manage the emotional toll of supporting someone with NPD. It is essential for caregivers to prioritize their own well-being and seek support to maintain their own mental health.
Remember, seeking professional help is an individual decision and should be based on the specific needs and circumstances of each person involved. The support and guidance provided by mental health professionals can play a significant role in understanding NPD, managing its impact on relationships, and fostering personal growth for both individuals with NPD and their loved ones.
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8. Empathy and compassion in dealing with individuals with NPD
8. Empathy and Compassion in Dealing with Individuals with NPD
Empathy and compassion are essential qualities when interacting with individuals who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). While it can be challenging to understand and relate to their behaviors and emotions, approaching these individuals with empathy and compassion can foster healthier relationships and provide them with the support they need. Here are some reasons why empathy and compassion are vital in dealing with individuals with NPD:
1. Understanding their underlying struggles: Individuals with NPD often have deep-rooted insecurities and fragile self-esteem. Their narcissistic behaviors serve as a defense mechanism to protect themselves from feelings of inadequacy and vulnerability. In approaching them with empathy, we can try to understand their underlying struggles and the reasons behind their behavior.
2. Creating a safe and non-judgmental environment: It is important to create a safe and non-judgmental environment for individuals with NPD to express themselves. By offering a space free from criticism and judgment, they may be more willing to open up and share their true feelings, thoughts, and experiences. This can contribute to building trust and establishing a stronger connection.
3. Validating their emotions: Individuals with NPD often have difficulty regulating their emotions and may experience intense feelings of anger, resentment, or insecurity. An empathetic approach involves validating their emotions, acknowledging their pain, and letting them know that their feelings are valid. This can help create an atmosphere of understanding and support, promoting healthier emotional well-being.
4. Setting boundaries with empathy: Setting boundaries is crucial when dealing with individuals with NPD, as they may have a tendency to manipulate and exploit others. However, it is important to establish boundaries with empathy and compassion, clearly communicating expectations while still acknowledging their emotional vulnerabilities. By doing so, we can maintain a balance between our own self-care and supporting their emotional needs.
5. Encouraging self-reflection and growth: Empathy and compassion can also play a vital role in encouraging individuals with NPD to engage in self-reflection and personal growth. By conveying genuine care and support, we can motivate them to explore their behaviors, emotions, and underlying insecurities. This self-reflection can lead to profound insights and potential changes in their approach to relationships and self-perception.
6. Providing a positive role model: Individuals with NPD may have difficulties understanding and expressing empathy themselves. By demonstrating empathy and compassion in our interactions with them, we can serve as positive role models and potentially influence their own emotional growth. Modeling empathy can help them learn healthier ways to relate to others and develop more authentic connections.
In conclusion, empathy and compassion are essential when dealing with individuals with NPD. By seeking to understand their struggles, creating a safe environment, validating their emotions, setting boundaries with empathy, encouraging self-reflection and growth, and providing positive role models, we can foster healthier relationships and support their journey towards personal well-being. It is important to approach individuals with NPD with empathy and compassion, recognizing the complexity of their disorder and the potential for growth and healing.
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9. Conclusion: Breaking the stigma surrounding NPD
9. Conclusion: Breaking the Stigma Surrounding NPD
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a complex and often misunderstood mental health condition. Throughout this blog, we have discussed various aspects of NPD, including its symptoms, causes, and the challenges individuals with NPD face in their relationships and emotional well-being. However, it is crucial to recognize the importance of breaking the stigma surrounding NPD and promoting understanding and compassion.
Stigma surrounding mental health disorders, including NPD, can perpetuate misconceptions and hinder individuals from seeking the help and support they need. The negative stereotypes and judgments associated with NPD can create barriers to effective communication and empathy, ultimately impacting the overall well-being of individuals with the disorder.
To truly support individuals with NPD, it is essential to approach the condition with empathy and open-mindedness. Educating ourselves about NPD and understanding its underlying causes and complexities can help challenge the misconceptions and stereotypes that contribute to the stigma.
Breaking the stigma surrounding NPD begins with fostering a compassionate and non-judgmental attitude towards individuals with the disorder. By recognizing that NPD is a genuine mental health condition and that those affected by it deserve empathy and support, we can create a safe and understanding environment in which individuals with NPD can seek help and openly discuss their experiences.
Furthermore, promoting awareness and knowledge about NPD among the general population can contribute to a more empathetic and inclusive society. By sharing accurate information and personal stories, we can challenge the stigmatizing beliefs and create opportunities for dialogue and understanding.
It is essential to remember that individuals with NPD are not defined solely by their disorder. They are complex individuals with their own unique experiences, struggles, and potential for growth. By breaking the stigma surrounding NPD, we can encourage society to recognize the multidimensionality of individuals with the disorder and provide them with the support they need to lead fulfilling lives.
In conclusion, breaking the stigma surrounding NPD is crucial for promoting understanding, compassion, and support for individuals with the disorder. By challenging stereotypes, fostering empathy, and promoting awareness, we can create a more inclusive society that recognizes the complexities of NPD and supports those affected by it on their journey towards healing and well-being. Let us strive to break the stigma and build a more compassionate world for everyone, regardless of their mental health challenges.
The self-reflection and introspection of shadow work can increase your compassion for others.
Shadow work can promote self-awareness by helping you get in touch with suppressed emotions.
Exploring and acknowledging “shadow” traits that prompt discomfort can lead to self-acceptance.
Explore shadow, or unconscious, traits through art, journaling, and paying attention to dreams.
Shadow work is a psychological approach to becoming more in tune with what Carl Jung, the method’s founder, calls your shadow.
Your shadow is a hypothetical concept that represents repressed parts of your personality, says Sylvia Kalicinski-Don, PhD, a therapist in private practice.
For example, when you feel ashamed, you may suppress that emotion deep into your unconscious, which can make you less self-aware.
The point of shadow work is to bring suppressed emotions to the forefront to help you better understand yourself and how you approach the world around you.
The end result, according to limited research, could mean handling negative conflict more effectively as well as improvements in overall health.
What is shadow work?
Shadow work is a part of Jungian psychotherapy, a method for addressing mental health issues and life pain points through personal growth. A key focus of Jungian psychotherapy is reaching your full potential by bringing the unconscious, or unknown, parts of yourself together with the conscious, or known parts of yourself.
Shadow work centers around the unconscious parts of yourself — your shadow, in other words.
Your shadow can have both negative and positive aspects, says Nathan Brandon, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice.
A negative aspect would be traits or impulses that people generally disapprove of, like greed. Because openly negative traits are more likely to be met with disapproval from others — and so more likely to be repressed — they tend to play a bigger role in your shadow than positive traits.
A more positive aspect might be an underdeveloped or stifled trait. For example, a child frequently scolded by teachers for acting too quickly might grow up to believe that acting spontaneously will only bring negative attention from others. Over time, spontaneity becomes a repressed part of their personality, making it harder for them to act without worrying about what others think of them.
Shadow work and projection
Shadow work can help you connect with these traits by making you more conscious of them. One way it does this is by addressing the issue of projection.
People commonly deal with traits they don’t like about themselves through projection, which plays a key role in how your shadow functions. Projection happens when you call out a specific trait or behavior in someone else, while ignoring how it plays out in your own life.
For example, maybe you often feel jealous when your partner spends time with friends. Not hearing from them for a while leaves you anxious and irritable, but you have a hard time acknowledging your jealousy. But when they ask a few questions about the time you spend with a close friend, you say, “What, are you jealous?”
Since projection causes us to attribute thoughts and feelings we recognize as “wrong” onto others, it follows that a person in your life who irritates you could represent your shadow, says Brandon. This is because your strong feelings about the person can be a sign they’re actually reminding you of a part of yourself you don’t like.
Shadow work, then, can help stop this cycle of projection by helping you become aware of these repressed parts.
How to do shadow work
There’s no standard way to do shadow work, but Brandon says the following methods that encourage self-expression can help you get started on your own:
List your shadow parts. Without judgement, list some of your potential shadow traits, such as aggression, selfishness, or cowardice. Consider how these traits inform your actions, reactions, and values. If you’re having trouble identifying your shadow, thinking about which people or situations cause you to respond with strong emotions could offer some insight since this can be a sign you’re projecting an unconscious trait onto that person.
Journal. Keeping a journal of your emotional responses to different events could help you pinpoint some of your shadow traits by increasing your self-awareness. There’s no set amount of time you need to journal in order to get results, but some research suggests journaling consistently even once a week can make a difference.
Dream interpretation.Paying attention to your dreams — or even writing them down — could help you discover aspects of your unconscious to reconnect with.
Create art. Carl Jung emphasized the importance of creativity in connecting with all the parts of your self, including your shadow. You can express yourself artistically in whatever way works best for you. Some research suggests creating mandalas is a helpful way to practice self-reflection through art.
When dipping into shadow work, Brandon says it’s important to be willing to look at all the parts of yourself — especially the ones you’re uncomfortable with.
“Remember that the shadow is a part of you, whether you like it or not. You may as well learn to accept it and deal with it in a healthy way,” says Brandon.
According to Jungian psychology, acceptance is key to success because accepting your shadow traits allows you to control them, rather than the other way around. For example, becoming aware of repressed aggression might allow you to more effectively harness that energy in situations that require it, such as responding to a threat to your safety.
Important: Accepting your shadow traits doesn’t mean celebrating qualities that harm yourself or others. Instead, it involves acknowledging that those parts of yourself exist.
Still, it can be tricky to practice shadow work completely on your own.
“It can be helpful to have a therapist or trusted friend to help you navigate these waters. It is also important to be patient and gentle with yourself. Allow yourself time to process and integrate the material you uncover,” says Brandon.
Benefits of shadow work
Shadow work is designed to lead to personal growth and development, but it may also benefit you in these additional ways:
1. Moving toward self-realization
Self-realization is a Jungian term that means achieving the best possible version of your personality. In fact, Jung suggested that becoming conscious of your shadow self is a key step toward reaching self-realization.
2. Growing your self-awareness
“Doing shadow work can help someone become more aware of their projections and judgements,” says Kalicinski-Don.
When you’re not aware of your shadow, it’s more likely those traits will guide your thoughts and actions without your knowledge.
Gaining an understanding of your own inclinations, even unpleasant ones, will help you recognize when they’re driving your actions, allowing you to make a change if you want to.
In fact, research from 2011 shows a strong connection between self-awareness and self-regulation, or self-control.
3. Empowering yourself
Since shadow work involves taking responsibility for parts of yourself you weren’t previously aware of, it can also be empowering, says Brandon.
“It can stop people from seeing themselves as victims of other people and circumstances and help them to see the power they have to change their situation,” says Brandon.
For example, your shadow work might reveal that while you tend to blame coworkers for projects you turn in late, you also have a tendency to procrastinate. Realizing and accepting this truth about yourself gives you the power to address your procrastination, allowing you to feel more control over your own workflow.
4. Becoming more well-rounded
Shadow work could help you become more well-rounded by allowing you to accept parts of yourself you’re disconnected with, says Brandon.
Perhaps you’re a great listener. Still, that positive quality often comes at the cost of staying quiet in situations where it would be more helpful to speak up. Shadow work could help bring out your assertive side, if you’ve repressed that part of yourself, so you feel comfortable both listening and speaking up.
5. Boosting compassion
Shadow work can decrease tendencies you might have to judge harshly and increase your compassion for others, says Kalicinski-Don.
One possible reason? When you’re not aware of a part of your shadow, you might be more likely to become irritated with another person who displays that quality.
Shadow work can help reveal when getting upset at someone says more about your traits than theirs.
Since shadow work involves uncovering parts of yourself you might not have even known existed, it can be a bumpy journey — but that doesn’t mean it’s not worthwhile.
Most experts suggest shadow work is a lifelong process. One reason for this is that Jungian psychology places more importance on continuing to seek growth throughout your lifetime rather than reaching perfection, or a point where no further growth is needed.
It’s normal to get stuck every once in a while, but shadow work shouldn’t become a burden. You might find, though, that you make more progress at certain points in your life than others.
“The shadow will continue to present itself throughout our lives if we pay attention and keep exploring. Be patient and let the process unfold in its own time,” says Brandon.
Five Powerful Ways Abusive Narcissists Get Inside Your Head byShahida Arabi
In popular culture, the term “narcissistic” is thrown about quite loosely, usually referring to vanity and self-absorption. This reduces narcissism to a common quality that everyone possesses and downplays the symptoms demonstrated by people with the actual disorder. While narcissism does exist on a spectrum, narcissism as a full-fledged personality disorder is quite different.
People who meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder or those who have traits of Antisocial Personality Disorder can operate in extremely manipulative ways within the context of intimate relationships due to their deceitfulness, lack of empathy and their tendency to be interpersonally exploitative. Although I will be focusing on narcissistic abusers in this post, due to the overlap of symptoms in these two disorders, this post can potentially apply to interactions with those who have ASPD to an extent.
It’s important in any kind of relationship that we learn to identify the red flags when interacting with people who display malignant narcissism and/or antisocial traits, so we can better protect ourselves from exploitation and abuse, set boundaries, and make informed decisions about who we keep in our lives. Understanding the nature of these toxic interactions and how they affect us has an enormous impact on our ability to engage in self-care.
Watch out for the following covert manipulation tactics when you’re dating someone or in a relationship.
1. The Idealization-Devaluation-Discard Phase
Narcissists and those with antisocial traits tend to subject romantic partners through three phases within a relationship. The idealization phase (which often happens most strongly during the early stages of dating or a relationship) consists of putting you on a pedestal, making you the center of his/her world, being in contact with you frequently, and showering you with flattery and praise. You are convinced that the narcissist can’t live without you and that you’ve met your soulmate. Be wary of: constant texting, shallow flattery and wanting to be around you at all times. This is a technique known as “lovebombing” and it is how most victims get sucked in: they are tired of the “games” people play with each other in communication and are flattered by the constant attention they get from the narcissist. You may be fooled into thinking that this means a narcissist is truly interested in you, when in fact, he or she is interested in making you dependent on their constant praise and attention.
The devaluation phase is subsequent to this idealization phase, and this is when you’re left wondering why you were so abruptly thrust off the pedestal. The narcissist will suddenly start to blow hot and cold, criticizing you, covertly and overtly putting you down, comparing you to others, emotionally withdrawing from you and giving you the silent treatment when you’ve failed to meet their “standards.” Since the “hot” aspect of this phase relies on intermittent reinforcement in which the narcissist gives you inconsistent spurts of the idealization phase throughout, you become convinced that perhaps you are at fault and you can “control” the narcissist’s reactions.
Even though the narcissist can be quite possessive and jealous over you, since he or she views you as an object and a source of narcissistic supply, the narcissist is prone to projecting this same behavior onto you. The narcissist makes you seem like the needy one as you react to his or her withdrawal and withholding patterns even though the expectations of frequent contact were established early on in the relationship by the narcissist himself.
You are mislead into thinking that if you just learn not to be so “needy,” “clingy,” or “jealous,” the narcissist will reward you with the loving behavior he or she demonstrated in the beginning. The narcissist may use these and other similar words to gaslight victims when they react normally to being provoked. It’s a way to maintain control over your legitimate emotional reactions to their stonewalling, emotional withdrawal and inconsistency.
Unfortunately, it is during the devaluation phase that a narcissist’s true self shows itself. You have to understand that the man or woman in the beginning of the relationship never truly existed. The true colors are only now beginning to show, so it will be a struggle as you attempt to reconcile the image that the narcissist presented to you with his or her current behavior.
During the discard phase, the narcissist abandons his or her victim in the most horrific, demeaning way possible to convince the victim that he or she is worthless. This could range from: leaving the victim for another lover, humiliating the victim in public, being physically aggressive and a whole range of other demeaning behaviors to communicate to the victim that he or she is no longer important.
2. Gaslighting.
Most abusive relationships contain a certain amount of gaslighting, a technique narcissists use to convince you that your perception of the abuse is inaccurate. During the devaluation and discard phases, the narcissist will often remark upon your emotional instability, your “issues,” and displace blame of his/her abuse as your fault. Frequent use of phrases such as “You provoked me,” “You’re too sensitive,” “I never said that,” or “You’re taking things too seriously” after the narcissists’ abusive outbursts are common and are used to gaslight you into thinking that the abuse is indeed your fault or that it never even took place.
Narcissists are masters of making you doubt yourself and the abuse. This is why victims so often suffer from ruminations after the ending of a relationship with a narcissist, because the emotional invalidation they received from the narcissist made them feel powerless in their agency and perceptions. This self-doubt enables them to stay within abusive relationships even when it’s clear that the relationship is a toxic one, because they are led to mistrust their own instincts and interpretations of events.
3. Smear campaigns.
Narcissists keep harems because they love to have their egos stroked and they need constant validation from the outside world to feed their need for excessive admiration and confirm their grandiose sense of self-importance. They are clever chameleons who are also people-pleasers, morphing into whatever personality suits them in situations with different types of people. It is no surprise, then, that the narcissist begins a smear campaign against you not too long after the discard phase, in order to paint you as the unstable one, and that this is usually successful with the narcissist’s support network which also tends to consist of other narcissists, people-pleasers, empaths, as well as people who are easily charmed.
This smear campaign accomplishes three things: 1) it depicts you as the abuser or unstable person and deflects your accusations of abuse, 2) it provokes you, thus proving your instability to others when trying to argue his or her depiction of you, and 3) serves as a hoovering technique in which the narcissist seeks to pull you back into the trauma of the relationship as you struggle to reconcile the rumors about you with who you actually are by speaking out against the accusations. The only way to not get pulled into this tactic is by going full No Contact with both the narcissist and his or her harem.
4. Triangulation.
Healthy relationships thrive on security; unhealthy ones are filled with provocation, uncertainty and infidelity. Narcissists like to manufacture love triangles and bring in the opinions of others to validate their point of view. They do this to an excessive extent in order to play puppeteer to your emotions. In the book Psychopath Free by Peace, the method of triangulation is discussed as a popular way the narcissist maintains control over your emotions. Triangulation consists of bringing the presence of another person into the dynamic of the relationship, whether it be an ex-lover, a current mistress, a relative, or a complete stranger.
This triangulation can take place over social media, in person, or even through the narcissist’s own verbal accounts of the other woman or man. The narcissist relies on jealousy as a powerful emotion that can cause you to compete for his or her affections, so provocative statements like “I wish you’d be more like her,” or “He wants me back into his life, I don’t know what to do” are designed to trigger the abuse victim into competing and feeling insecure about his or her position in the narcissist’s life.
Unlike healthy relationships where jealousy is communicated and dealt with in a productive manner, the narcissist will belittle your feelings and continue inappropriate flirtations and affairs without a second thought. Triangulation is the way the narcissist maintains control and keeps you in check – you’re so busy competing for his or her attention that you’re less likely to be focusing on the red flags within the relationship or looking for ways to get out of the relationship.
5. The false self and the true self.
The narcissist hides behind the armor of a “false self,” a construct of qualities and traits that he or she usually presents to the outside world. Due to this armor, you are unlikely to comprehend the full extent of a narcissist’s inhumanity and lack of empathy until you are in the discard phase. This can make it difficult to pinpoint who the narcissistic abuser truly is – the sweet, charming and seemingly remorseful person that appears shortly after the abuse, or the abusive partner who ridicules, invalidates and belittles you on a daily basis? You suffer a great deal of cognitive dissonance trying to reconcile the illusion the narcissist first presented to you with the tormenting behaviors he or she subjects you to. In order to cope with this cognitive dissonance, you might blame yourself for his or her abusive behavior and attempt to “improve” yourself when you have done nothing wrong, just to uphold your belief in the narcissist’s false self during the devaluation phase.
During the discard phase, the narcissist reveals the true self – the genuinely abusive and abrasive personality beneath the shallow veneer rears its ugly head and you get a glimpse of the cruelty that was lurking within all along. You bear witness to his or her cold, callous indifference as you are discarded. You might think this is only a momentary lapse into inhumanity, but actually, it is as close you will ever get to seeing the narcissist’s true self.
The manipulative, conniving charm that existed in the beginning is no more – instead, it is replaced by the genuine contempt that the narcissist felt for you all along. See, narcissists don’t truly feel empathy or love for others – so during the discard phase, they feel absolutely nothing for you except the excitement of having exhausted another source of supply. You were just another source of supply, so do not fool yourself into thinking that the magical connection that existed in the beginning was in any way real. It was an illusion, much like the identity of the narcissist was an illusion.
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“Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus.” ~Unknown
When I first experienced narcissistic abuse as an adult, it was a at a time when the term “narcissistic abuse” was not so heard of or understood.
I had met a handsome, intelligent, charismatic, and charming man, and as is typical in abusive relationships, had been completely overwhelmed by the intensity and ‘love’-overload of the early stages.
Before I could catch my breath, though, the nitpicking started, and so did the heated arguments, the jealousy, the cutting contact, and disappearing for days on end—shortly followed by dramatic make-ups, apologies, gifts, and promises.
And so had begun the emotional roller coaster ride that is dating a narcissist.
Many months later, I found myself becoming a different person. I was stressed, anxious, paranoid, increasingly isolated, and cranky. I was totally lost and felt like nobody understood. Friends couldn’t understand why we couldn’t just end things. We were hooked in a destructive bond.
At the worst points being caught in a toxic relationship feels utterly maddening. After months of relationship highs and lows, of it being on and off, the gaslighting, accusations, and coercive control, I honestly began to believe I was losing my mind.
I was stuck trying to make sense of my experience, and the logical part of my mind was desperately searching for answers to so many questions:
Why did he cheat? What was so wrong with me? Why did he lie? What were lies and what was the truth? Was any of it real? Did he ever really say the things he said? Was he even capable of love? How could things have been different? What else could or should I have done?
These are some of the same questions I hear my clients ask now when they come to me for support in healing from narcissistic abuse.
The Journey of Healing
My own recovery started one particularly frantic night. I was incredibly upset and desperate to make sense of what was going on. Searching online, I happened to come across information about sociopaths and narcissists and this particular kind of psychological abuse.
This was a pivotal moment. I had never heard anybody use the term “narcissistic abuse,” and at that time (this was many years ago), there was hardly any information around about it. But I knew, the moment I read this, that this was it. It shifted my whole perspective. It was shocking, confusing, although overall, an unbelievable relief. I realized this was a ‘thing’ and that for the first time, other people understood. More importantly, there was a way out.
Reading more about psychological abuse, I arrived at my first key point in healing:
I Realized It’s Not Me—I’m Not Crazy!
Toxic relationships will leave you feeling like you are mad. Often abusive partners will reinforce this by never taking responsibility and constantly telling you in various ways that it is your fault or your issues.
My narcissistic partner would criticize and undermine me in all sorts of strange and subtle ways, including judgments or ‘suggestions.’ He would often communicate in ways that would leave me doubting or questioning myself. As is the power of being with a narcissist, at the time, I was eager to please and impress.
If I ever pulled him up on any of the criticisms, he accused me of being negative, told me he was trying to support my personal growth, that I was being sensitive, paranoid, that I was over-reacting, or that I had issues. This kind of abuse in itself is maddening. I realized that all of what I had been feeling was in itself the symptoms of being in an emotionally abusive relationship.
I was not and am not mad, but I was in a mad relationship. I found as I cut contact and removed myself from the toxic dynamic that my sense of sanity swiftly returned. This is something that many sufferers I work with now also experience. You are not crazy, but if you are in an abusive relationship, you are in a relationship dynamic that will leave you feeling like you are.
Letting Go of the Need to Understand and Know
It’s our mind’s natural tendency to want to make sense of our experience; however, with narcissism and narcissistic behavior, there is no sense. You can’t apply logic to illogical actions. I created a lot of distress for myself in the early part of my recovery by desperately clinging onto the fantasy that I somehow could understand all the what’s and whys.
Being able to let go of this need to know is a big step in recovery. This was not easy at the time, but I managed this by practicing mindfulness and learning to recognize when my thoughts or attention would drift to the narcissist or on trying to work out the answers or understand the non-existent logic.
As I became aware of my thoughts drifting to such a futile task, I would then try and tune into my feelings in that moment and ask myself “How am I feeling right now?”
I’d mentally label the emotion and any physical sensations that went along with it.
Then, knowing more clearly how I was feeling (sad, angry, etc.) I would ask myself “What do I need? What can I do for myself right now that is a loving and supportive thing to do?”
Sometimes this would be to allow myself to cry, punch a pillow, reach out to a friend, or go and treat myself to something nice—to practice self-care. It was a step-by-step process to find ways in which I could gently feel my feelings and attend to my own needs. This also included the feelings I had about not having answers and accepting that maybe I never will. You can gently let go with this refocus and self-care. Make a choice about what may be harmful of helpful to your healing and recovery.
Considering My Own Narcissism
I laugh now that my break-up lasted longer than the actual relationship did! The toxic dynamic was addictive and really hard to let go of from both sides.
An empath will care, forgive, understand, and put a narcissist’s needs before their own. A narcissist will crave the attention, contact, and power. It becomes a dance.
Narcissists tend to have a disorganized attachment style. Relationships will be push and pull, on and off, up and down. Being in a relationship with a narcissist is a lot like being on an emotional roller coaster ride. It’s exhilarating and draining, but if you stay on, going round and round for long enough you will get sick!
Because of the attachment style, the moment a narcissist senses you are pulling away, they will instinctively aim to pull you back in again, throwing all sorts of bait in order to hook you back.
I was hooked back again and again by broken promises and wanting to believe the fantasy of how things could be.
I was also hooked by believing that somehow, I could be the one to change him, to make him see, to help him love and feel loved, to make things different, to help him be the person I hoped and believed he could be.
Truth be told, I wanted to be the one to capture and hold his attention and interest. However, such is the demands of narcissistic supply that it’s impossible that can ever be one person forever.
Quite frankly, I had to recognize the narcissism in this. To see the narcissistic fantasy in my idea about somehow possessing some magical powers to help him heal and change. I can’t. In fact, nobody can.
A narcissist’s healing and actions are their responsibility only—nobody else’s.
Believing on some level you can be the ‘the one’ to change a narcissist is narcissistic to some extent in itself. This doesn’t mean somebody who has this hope has narcissistic personality disorder! It’s just helpful to recognize the ill-placed hope and fantasy.
Narcissism is one of the most difficult clinical presentations for highly experienced specialists to treat. You do not have the ability or power to change or help an abuser. More to the point, why would you want to?
Let Go of Fantasy Thinking and Ground Yourself in Reality
Many people who’ve experienced narcissistic abuse become trapped in elusive fantasy. Fantasy thinking is clinging onto the hope of how you believe things could be, not how they actually are.
One of the most confusing things I experienced when in a relationship with a narcissist was distinguishing the difference between fantasy and reality. With this there can be a discrepancy between body and mind. For example, my ex constantly told me that he was being supportive. However, I didn’t feel supported.
Like in many abusive relationships, the words and the actions do not match. Nobody can really mean the words “I love you” and be violent, critical, or abusive at the same time.
In recovery, it is vital to distinguish between the hope and fantasy of how things could be and the reality of how things actually are. I often hear people describe the longing for things to be like they were “in the beginning.”
The start of an abusive relationship can be incredibly intense and powerful. This is the time the manipulator will ‘love-bomb’ and it can feel exhilarating, romantic, powerful, and highly addictive.
Intensity is not the same as intimacy though. Real intimacy takes time and is balanced. Intensity can give you a high that you continue to crave.
If you suspect you are in an unhealthy relationship, it’s important to take an honest and objective inventory of the current reality, not your ideal of how things were or could be. Right now, how safe and secure do you feel? Currently, what are the actions of your partner or ex?
It can be helpful to take pen to paper and list the current behaviors or circumstances to help regain some more realistic perspective. Perhaps asking friends or family their view too.
Take responsibility
One of the things I feel most grateful about from my experience of narcissistic abuse is that I really had to learn to take complete responsibility for myself. I had to become fully responsible for myself and my actions; my recovery, my efforts, my self-care, my finances, my health, my well-being, my life… everything.
Something I see many people do while in a toxic relationship, and even following the end of one, is to become stuck with focusing their efforts and attentions on the narcissist. Over-concerning themselves with what they are now doing, or not doing, or still trying to get them to see things another way, or holding out for an apology from them, or hoping they will change or fulfil all their promises and so on.
A particular hook I often hear about in my work now is the abusive partner dangling a ‘carrot on a stick’ when their partner attempts to end the relationship. This can be highly abusive as they step up the promises of providing you with whatever it is they know you wish for; be it proper commitment, a family, a secure home situation, financial purchases, or more.
I have honestly yet to hear an account of when any of these promises have been honored. Instead, partners are left wasting months and years, even decades, holding on the fantasy and hope that a partner will provide them with what they need.
I think it’s important to recognize the bigger perspective. If there are things you want in life, then you take complete responsibility for making them happen.
Remember, too much focus on the narcissist is a big part of the problem in the first place!
Healing comes with returning your focus to yourself, acknowledging your own feelings and emotional experience, recognizing your own wants and needs, and gently attending to those yourself.
I truly believe that healthy relationships begin with the one we have with ourselves. That includes taking full responsibility for all aspects of ourselves and our lives.
Gratitude
When I was in the midst of the insanity of narcissistic abuse, I felt like I was in a living hell! At the time, I absolutely would never have entertained the concept of applying gratitude to the experience! Now, though, many years later, I can truly say I am deeply grateful for the experience.
When I became aware of this particular kind of psychological and emotional abuse, the sheer depths of the pain I was experiencing propelled me to embark on a deep journey of exploration, healing, and recovery and vast personal growth, which I am now eternally grateful for.
I actively practiced writing about what I could be grateful for in each part of the experience and—as difficult as that was at the time—it helped to assist my healing.
I learned about narcissistic abuse, I learned how to spot the signs of both overt and covert narcissism so now I can spot this a mile off. With awareness, I have a choice.
I had to take a good look at my part in the dynamic, my issues of codependency. I learned boundaries. I’ve learned healthy communication. I worked with a therapist and support group to feel and heal the family origins of some issues that related to why we attract or repeat unhealthy relationship patterns in the first place.
I learned how to tune into and trust myself and my gut instinct; I always stay close to that now. I learned a huge amount about myself. I know what healthy relationships are and enjoy many of them in my life now. I’m a better, wiser, and more grateful person for going through it all.
Don’t get me wrong, I would never want to experience it ever again! But I rest confident now that, because of a full recovery, I absolutely will never need to. I do not attract that kind of person anymore. In fact, I can be quite the narcissist-repellant because I recognize the warning signs. As well as spotting the signs on the outside and recognizing the abusive actions of others, I now have clear boundaries and the self-esteem to communicate them.
I have also worked on what needed to be healed inside of me, and for that I am grateful.
